what the books DON'T tell you...

you can walk into any bookstore and find a book to meet almost any need.  if you want to test out your southern cooking skills, head over and pick up paula dean's latest cookbook.  if you need a good laugh or entertaining read, pick up jennifer weiner's latest best seller.


many pregnancy questions can be found & answered in this same manner.  if you want to know what's best to eat when you're preggo, get a book that outlines the basics of a solid diet for you and your growing baby.  if you are expecting multiples, get a book that discusses the issues that come with growing 2 or more babies in your belly.  if you want to go "au natural" and birth your baby in water as if it was Nemo,  go right ahead and buy a book that guides you in doing so (buy some water wings while your at it, too).  


BUT...there is a common thread that none of these pregnancy books entail.  not one of these books can truly help you cope when you have that distinct moment when you realize I AM PREGNANT.  the books might tell you that your hormones and emotions will definitely rise to the surface at some point; however, the books have no way of telling you how to cope with the intense feeling you'll get the moment you realize you are bringing another life/lives into the world, regardless of if you're ready or not.  when that feeling comes, i hope you are a christian person because you will need the comfort that only god can give you....AND a big box of kleenex.


being scared or having fears that only affect you is one thing; however, realizing a fear that involves you AND the life/lives inside of your belly is almost paralyzing.  when you have that moment of clarity that "it's not just about me anymore", it can scare you half to death.  you would think i would have had this moment awhile forever ago.  i honestly had it at 35 weeks & 1 day.  i'm a late bloomer, i guess.  


ben seemed to grasp the fact that we are having babies this spring.  he "got it".  he's the one that has made all of the rational choices and decisions (putting things together, analyzing our budget, paying the bills to get the baby land "perfect", getting insurance straightened out, etc).  his thoughtfulness and planning is what has laid the foundation for the babies to arrive.


i, however, have been so caught up in the fluff (the bedding selection, the bringing home outfits, the embroidered hospital gown like bethany frankel had on, packing a candy bag for the hospital filled with sour patch kids & only pink and red starbursts, etc), that i managed to finagle my way around the reality that being preggo w/twins=actual lives will be brought into the world.  hmmmm....i was never good at math problems or science equations and perhaps that's why i'm a wee-bit behind in putting this all together.


i just realized a couple of days ago that what i have been focusing on does not matter.  i now realize, that once they are "out" that i can't keep them safe and protected from anything and everything like i kind of can now. that feeling is the scariest realization ever.  when it happened the other night after ben prayed for them, i lost it.  i almost couldn't handle it.  


while these twins have been in my belly, i've been able to feed them, nourish them, give them a great environment in which to grow, etc.  i've been able to provide for and protect them in the way a mother should.  once they are out of that safe haven, what happens is i lose that control....and i don't like knowing that one single bit.  


now, i know they are actually "god's children" and that he is technically loaning them to ben and me.  it's our job to raise them, shape them, and lead them down life's path to be his children.  i know as a parent, it's my job to talk to them about what being a christian looks like, feels like, etc. if i never do it, who will?  


a few days ago, however, i realized that these little godly gifts are coming out much much much sooner than later and what comes out of people's mouths around them, what others do around them, what ben and i attempt to do out of the goodness of our hearts b/c we think it's right but it's actually not, etc...all of that is out of my control.  until the other day, i thought that once they were here, everything would be 100% perfect and flawless.  how UNrealistic is that?!  


in saying all of that, here's what i do want for our son & daughter.  i want these babies to be surrounded by our wonderful friends and their precious babies on a daily basis.  i want our twins to grow to love their big, close-knit families like ben and i do.  i want our babies to go to school, church, etc and love living life to it's fullest wherever in the heck they may be.  in doing this, they are going to get dirty.  they're going to ruin a smocked outfit or two.  they're going to get sick, fall down, and some not good things might are going to happen to them.  i can type that....but still the thought of any of this happening to OUR babies makes me sick.  BUT....i have to realize that if i attempt to take control of their lives and not trust god, i'm going to mess them up in the worst way possible.


realizing "i'm a mom" is a simply harder than i could've ever imagined.  it's a doozie.  there should be a book written about that....but there's not.  since there isn't one to read, maybe i'll pick up a chick-lit book and just laugh a little for the time being.