waking up is hard to do...

                                                   PRECIOUS MINNIE MARGARET
                                                        

HANDSOME BENJAMIN TULLY

our first weekend at home as a family....what a surreal feeling and experience!  last night was our first night at home with no help, no one staying over, etc...  i, of course, was a little nervous, but seeing ben soooooo excited about having a private family night of 4 made me want to try so very badly.  after 5 nights of help, it was time for us to really have the 24-hour experience of raising twins, breast feeding twins simultaneously, changing twins, etc...

the babies stuck to their 3-hour schedule perfectly.  honestly, they fed better at 1 a.m. and 4 a.m. than they often do during the day.  no tears.  no screaming.  now, they were a wee-bit slow at starting their feedings, but they finished oh-so-strong.  their performance, however, is NOT indicative of mommy & daddy's.

ben & i experienced bouts of exhaustion in the middle of the night thinking what are we doing?  why are we so stuck on breast feeding these little ones at the same time?  should we just shove a bottle down them instead and call it a night?  when will we be ok enough to deviate from this rigid scheduling?

all of these questions though seem to fade away as the sun came up.  at our 7 a.m. feeding, i popped out of bed, started the coffee pot, and walked back into our bedroom anxiously awaiting to see 4 little eyes ready to see mommy....and their breakfast:)  all of the worries, all of the frustration, all of the tiredness seems to be well-worth it right now.

each morning reminds me that god put ben and i in the microwave and out we popped as a family of 4 last wednesday night.  while i'm going to cry on and off for awhile and have moments of 100 percent doubt, i'm going to at least have some moments where i'm assured THIS IS WORTH IT.  hopefully, i will feel enough of a feeling of balance to get me through those hard, hard times where i just want to give up and quit.

i would have to think that god wouldn't have given us these babies after all of our waiting to show me that "maggie, you can't handle it".  i have to know god is better than that.  he is all-knowing, forever faithful, loyal leader, and then some.  he won't give me more than i can handle.  i am definitely going to have to lean on him and beg for strength, especially through the next month or two.  i have to know that even though instant gratification might not be given, everything given through him is worth it.