are you there god...

"are you there, god? it's me, margaret."

i have uttered this phrase multiple times in the past few weeks.  from taking the twins in to the hospital on seperate occasions to my wonderful grandmother heading off to be with her father in heaven to breaking my favorite holiday card holder, i swear the crazy roller coaster ride i have ridden has about made me bananas.  you know you have about maxed out your emotional capacity when the shattered card holder makes you cry harder than your grandmother's passing.  i am a mixed up bag of mush with shot emotions....not good with at least 4 more days till' jesus' big debut.

we have all had those weeks, though, i know.  not for one moment am i going to act as though my rough patch is anything more unbearable than another's.  i honestly feel like i have seen quite a few of those that i love most have a rough fall/winter for various reasons.  i guess i didn't have the inclination, though, that it was foreshadowing my own future.  i was never one to do well with context clues.

anywho....the iconic judy blume novel i mentioned has multiple chapters opening with the phrase "are you there, god? it's me margaret."  how fitting that i, margaret/maggie, can recite a phrase that literally relates to myself:)  i have prayed to god in the car, in the grocery, in the ER, in the driveway, in the drive through, in the school parking lot, in the hobby lobby parking lot, in traffic, in a triage unit at Vandy, in a cemetary, etc.  i have called him many a time from many locations and i have felt like he just wasn't home answering the phone.  very frustrating.

in the book, margaret is trying to figure out how religion fits into the world around her.  while she is struggling with boys and feminine hygeine issues, she goes to god and throws so many questions in his direction.  she keeps going to him needing an "answer".  i can relate.....well, i hopefully have those 2 topic covered by 32 years old but you know what i am getting at.

while i am proud to say that all of the hardships i have dealt with recently have caused me to immediately turn to our god, i am NOT proud to say that i did, in fact, want a quick fix and an immediate answer.  as we all know, more times than not this is how our intricate father in heaven works.  he is the best teacher ever; therefore, as a teacher we have to allow him the time TO teach.

in asking god all of my questions, i hate to admit this but i really started asking him "why" is this or "why" is that happening.  i can honestly say i have never really questioned god in an interrogatory manner until now. i was mad.  i was confused.  i was so tired of waiting for the other shoe to fall and running out of feet!  i felt like i had to genuinely ask if he was there because i couldn't understand why he wouldn't let me catch my breath.

thankfully, like dear little margaret, i can truly say that god IS there.  my babies are healed.  nutrition has been refurbished in tully.  minnie's staples have been inserted and THANKFULLY removed.  and my dear grandmother had a funeral that would make any church of christ proud:)  i swear god hung a huge sunshine on his easel in the sky to welcome her home on the day she was buried.  all of the sadness and worry i had felt dissipated just about as quickly as it came.

i truly believe god hears each and every utterance.  i know that just because he doesn't give us the A-B-C-D scantron answer certainly doesn't mean he is too busy to pay attention....it just means that he is waiting to help us write the essay-like answer instead.

at the conclusion of this acclaimed book, which was actually banned from certain schools, margaret declares "i know you are there god...you wouldn't have missed this for the world".  i hope that, like margaret, i am aware and declare that god is in fact THERE....all the time...never wavering.....never wandering.

hopefully, the craziness will make me appreciate the peacefulness his season brings just a wee-bit more this year....